I am, for the most part, over my irritation...I was led to believe that my appointment today was with the surgeon, but when I got there it was with yet another radiologist~a Bob Hoskins look-alike~~a very nice man whose job was to say to me "yes. You have cancer. Now, before I set the appointment up with the surgeon, do you have any questions?"
I did, I must admit, let my impatience & irritation show.
He was very kind, & suggested that I "consider" a lumpectomy...as he held up a size with his hand, of a large roma tomato or a medium lemon. When I remarked that I would not have anything like a normal breast shape after that, he said no...but I would have my breast.
Goodness. We are fond of that idea as a society, aren't we?
I realized, after I got home, what was really going on, I think.
Our culture has so successfully brainwashed people to react to the word "cancer" like the townspeople react to zombies, that most people go through layers & layers of high reactivity.
I believe that Dr. Bob's role was to serve as a buffer for that, so that if a patient were going to wail, or yell, shiver uncontrollably, or mutter incoherently, Dr. Bob could, hopefully, let them discharge some of that so the patient could actually be as present as possible when meeting with the surgeon.
In the scheme of (normal) things, I guess it is a functional enough idea.
He must have said 5 times "Now, I know it will be impossible, but try not to worry & stress too much between now and then." And 5 times he smiled indulgently when I assured him that I wouldn't.
I did decide that perhaps I "should" consider a lumpectomy, if it were medically possible...So I researched images.
I have friends & clients that have had mastectomies, so the stark blankness of the chest on one side, well, I am used to that. It is a bit of a surprise when you first see it, but at the end of the day, it is nothing alarming.
But the images of lumpectomies...Especially with women my size, with lumpectomies in the lower outer quandrants, as I would have...No.
Every woman should make the choice that will give her the greatest opportunity of survival and self esteem; I am not standing in judgment of any woman's choice, let me be clear, but I know that I would rather see a blank skin slate in the mornings...
That's just me.
So, next Wednesday I meet with my surgeon.
What an amazing world this is.