Monday, March 26, 2012

The unfolding of wings

So much happens here on Planet E. in such a seamless manner. Unfortunately I gave up journalling a few years ago, so the moment-to-moment revelations and integrations are out there as part of the sonic frequency background in deep space.

I am back at work at my regular schedule now.
The first two days just about had me on the mat, but gradually I am coming back into my own essential energy.
My pain is very mild now, and, often, non-existent.My gratitude is profound.

Life has been gifting me with so much that often comes in the form of great challenges with those I love, but listening to Tracy Chapman and running across this saying  below have really allowed the winter feathers to molt and I am feeling very in-the-breath-of-spring. (Even though it is already feeling like summer much of the time.)

"Dwell not upon the past. Use it to illustrate a point and leave it behind."

I wish I knew who to credit for this wisdom that is shining through me like western light through stained glass, but it was an anonymous repost on FaceBook.
The effect, though, is that I am finally standing in front of the mirror without wincing.
The inner life I call "mine" is kissing the nape of my neck.

I am still not being responsible with my time.
 The  methadone of FaceBook is a hard detox to begin, but begin I shall, as I am feeling the need to create and my time is spent being inspired (which definitely has its value!) rather than acting on that inspiration.

The reflection on the last visit with my plastic surgeon a week ago, has brought about an important realization cum decision: I am not doing any more surgical intervention.
We talked at length about the asymmetry of my breasts and what it would take to make it better, but I really don't want to wait 9- 12 months (my call, so that my immune system can really rebound after two big surgeries in six months) to then have the excess tissue under my armpit removed, wear a drain for a week, not work for another month.
Now that I am accepting that this is the visual representation of my body, that just seems like way too much for what ultimately will be seen only by me and any soul-and-body lover that may present himself.
I would rather spend that time actually doing things that feel nourishing rather than sleeping for most of my days for a while again.

I have even decided not to do the "minor" surgery of nipple reconstruction on the left (though the origami of creating nipple shape from the skin that is there is quite fascinating!) including the nipple tattoo.
I have a nice breast shape, though implants are temporal things and I will have to have replacements once or twice, depending upon my exit age, and, goodness gracious, I have a diagonal six inch scar there.
That would then be an arrow pointing to my nipple origami-and-tattoo??
That just makes me smile, it seems so silly.

The Adventure continues.
To quote Alfred Lord Tennyson: "It is not too late to seek a newer world."

Sunday, March 11, 2012

March is just the name of a month, not a mandate

Two thoughts:
One I just posted as my status on FaceBook: "What if 'spring forward' isn't just about the time change?"

And secondly, from artist Elsa Mora, on her blog recently:
"Before we are ready for doing certain things in life we need to get prepared. We need to go through a process. Just like when the fruit goes from green to ripe. Some ideas need to get into the ripe state before we can turn them into reality. Time is key here. So is patience."

I started back to work on Thursday.
It was not as I expected it to be.
My son used to have a saying about his body, which has been true of mine as well; he said that he had a Tonka Toy body~~that you could throw it down the steps and just keep playing.

Usually, no matter what was going on with me, on any level, I could/ would show up for whatever I had committed to do & just power through.
This is a different season.
My two days of work last week spontaneously cleared out to a great degree, via cancellations, which was a profound grace, as I found that my body is still very much in active healing mode.

I am grateful to be able to notice (part of being Tonka in life is just not noticing what is right there in front of you...) & also noticing that my anger at the surgical outcome is now revealing the deep grief just under the soil.
So, as it presents itself, I am allowing myself to feel that which we all resist: that something happened "to" me.
And feeling the sadness rather than the veneer of outrage that, for me, anyway, usually presents itself first and most convincingly.

I am adjusting my upcoming schedule so as to honor my healings, inner & outer.
I am also feeling that change is calling me on many fronts.
I want/ need to be more physically active, to write more, to quilt & do fiber art...
But I don't have the essential energy to try to make a hard left at the corner.
I may have to drive around the block a few times.

It is a new season, after all.
In every sense.

Friday, March 2, 2012

In like a lion--in 28 days I am sure I'll be a lamb!

The mysterious quality of Time. It, in fact, does heal all wounds (should we, indeed, be desirous of healing).
Since last we spoke I have had the three month check-up with my breast surgeon, who, miraculously & gratefully, is finally off his mission to get me to take Arimidex.
I've also seen the plastic surgeon, who is still gliding around me as though I were a hammerhead, leaving a respectful area between us & never taking his eyes off of me.

This week I went to the specialty shop to get my "post mastectomy bra".
I was surly, I admit it. I told the woman I didn't know how she would be able to fit me, since now I am different sizes AND shapes. (*low growl*)
She, of course, was non-plussed. In that business she has had far more challenging patients than I, I do recognize.
She spent an hour with me, and we finally found a bra that felt comfortable AND looked pretty.
She looked at my insurance paperwork at one point & said that this insurance company required that the physician sign the paperwork on the same day that I had my fitting.
(Looking for ways to not pay much? Grrr.)
I suggested to simply fax it over, but half an hour later she said that my plastic surgeon had driven over on his lunch hour and was at the front desk signing my paperwork, "looking very uncomfortable".
He, plainly, does not want any extra phone calls from me!!

Today is the first day that I have actually felt a reduction in my pain, which I am very relieved at.
I thought I might also finally break the Nap Barrier but, no, I still needed to cuddle up with the animal tribe for two hours this afternoon.

I go back to work a week from today.
I feel like I actually need another week, but that's not going to happen...

Onward and upward!