Sunday, March 11, 2012

March is just the name of a month, not a mandate

Two thoughts:
One I just posted as my status on FaceBook: "What if 'spring forward' isn't just about the time change?"

And secondly, from artist Elsa Mora, on her blog recently:
"Before we are ready for doing certain things in life we need to get prepared. We need to go through a process. Just like when the fruit goes from green to ripe. Some ideas need to get into the ripe state before we can turn them into reality. Time is key here. So is patience."

I started back to work on Thursday.
It was not as I expected it to be.
My son used to have a saying about his body, which has been true of mine as well; he said that he had a Tonka Toy body~~that you could throw it down the steps and just keep playing.

Usually, no matter what was going on with me, on any level, I could/ would show up for whatever I had committed to do & just power through.
This is a different season.
My two days of work last week spontaneously cleared out to a great degree, via cancellations, which was a profound grace, as I found that my body is still very much in active healing mode.

I am grateful to be able to notice (part of being Tonka in life is just not noticing what is right there in front of you...) & also noticing that my anger at the surgical outcome is now revealing the deep grief just under the soil.
So, as it presents itself, I am allowing myself to feel that which we all resist: that something happened "to" me.
And feeling the sadness rather than the veneer of outrage that, for me, anyway, usually presents itself first and most convincingly.

I am adjusting my upcoming schedule so as to honor my healings, inner & outer.
I am also feeling that change is calling me on many fronts.
I want/ need to be more physically active, to write more, to quilt & do fiber art...
But I don't have the essential energy to try to make a hard left at the corner.
I may have to drive around the block a few times.

It is a new season, after all.
In every sense.


d smith kaich jones said...

finding that sadness, that grief, and allowing yourself to feel that which must be feeled, and which will hang around until it is feeled is a hard-ass thing to do. i only know it from another hard place - i can only guess at the grief your body feels. it needs to be honored. and cherished.

if anyone can do this, you are that anyone. it was not the journey you set out on. i keep talking today of new maps - you are making a new map of this new world.


mrs mediocrity said...

Allow yourself all of it, every bit. The change, the slowing down, the anger turning to sadness.

The hard lefts can be taken when you get to them. When there is no other way to go. For now, keep walking at your own pace, on your own path. Either way, you will get there.