Saturday, November 5, 2011

The bell without a clapper swings in silence

I feel that I am moving into a great inner (and probably outer) silence.
I am witnessing conversations that are happening in such volume, on so many different fronts, that while I understand them, and have compassion, I am struck dumb...

From within the cancer survivor/ still in the midst of the journey with cancer community, on a blog a few days ago the women who wrote the article made a statement "There are three emotions that every cancer patient experiences constantly: fear, anger and shame."
There was a barrage of dozens of comments, all (all!) agreeing with her and elaborating on the theme.
Thus began my being struck dumb.
I understand in the beginning, and for a good way through the journey fear would spontaneously arise; fear of dying, fear of pain and suffering, fear of disfiguration.
And anger seems to be the other side of the fear coin, in most human experiences.

Personally, when fear arises in me, I very quickly  go to a "What's up with that?" place.
What, exactly, am I fearing and why?
Because this has been a choice & a practice that I have cultivated for decades, I am used to going to the edge of the cliff & peering over.
I dissect & hold up to the light every spooky story the mind can churn out, and in the end they are all dust.
Even more than that, what I have noticed is that when we stay in fear (or feed fear) it is because we don't actually believe what we say we believe...
If we actually believed in heavan or in reincarnation, what is there to fear? We change shape, basically, and then all is well.
But if we stay in deep fear then, plainly, the internalized belief seems to be "It's just me, here. *I've* got to figure this out and power my way through to surviving, otherwise...otherwise..."
*the heart beats ever faster & breaths grow rapid and shallow*
And, as I see it, because our society at large, including the major religions, have no construct for going deeply within, nor do we have tools to deconstruct these things.
We try to dismantle them cognitively, usually with limited success, as those feelings don't arise from the same place within that cognitive thought arises, or we ask whoever we direct prayer to to remove them. Which often helps, but I know many people who pray for a release of this or that, but don't participate in their own release, and the praying doesn;t seem to help all that much, though they pray with great regularity and sincerity.

So (and please do let me know if I am in the midst of a blind spot, here) we fear death because at the core of it we really believe we are *this*; so if *this* form dies, then "what happens to me?!"
We fear disfigurement because we feel that we must be and/or should be "normal" as me and my society define it.
And we fear pain...I don't really know about this one; it is such a tangle...
Some of that is bodily self preservation, but not at the heart of it, because the body only lives in present time. When there is no actual suffering (physically) yet, but I am suffering as I imagine my pain, or remember my pain, or the pain of another...
Personally, I would begin exploring so as to dismantle the belief(s).
But here are dozens, perhaps hundreds or thousands of people who don't know that this can be done, nor how to do it, and in their innocence and shared experiences, they support each other in a trifecta of Fear Anger Shame.

Shame is something, really, that is an inner response to something we have done, yes? My own activity.
Shame that we have one breast, or a face filled with burn scars, or a deformed spine and limbs, is staying in bondage to an idea that "I should be different." (because I am not acceptable in the state of one breastedness, or scarredness or crippledness...)

One of my teachers said that suffering at its core is the belief that "What is happening should not be happening."

How can the body heal in the midst of that inner state?

I saw another conversation taking place on a forum of those that had loved ones die of cancer.
I am in this club, also, as I took care of my fiance in 2007 as he went through chemo, radiation, surgery, metastesis and death.
The shared consensus there, that was reiterated like a mantra back and forth was "I hate cancer."
I understand. I do. It is a damn hard walk in many ways.
It is like having a hurricane destroy your home and then investing increasing amounts of energy in "I hate hurricanes.", instead of healing & releasing the loss the hurricane manifested.

Hurricanes just are. They always have been an aspect of weather patterns.
Cancer just is. It is increasing as the toxicity of the world increases, but cancer is a metabolic process that has been around for a long time.
So, ok,  for a while after it's over, anger/fear that takes the form of hatred is understandable.
But empowering it by finding consensus will not set you free to find peace.
And feeding hatred in this particular case also seems to feed staying in the painful in between state of saying "They should not have had the experience they had."

But they had it. There it is.
And, personally, I see things from a spiritual perspective that recognizes what is happening here in 3-D Land is *so* not the entirety of what any Being is doing. And since I cannot speak to the greater design, I simply trust it.

These are my perspectives, and I know that not everyone resonates with them.
And I have such deep compassion for the pain I see and hear in both communities, but I don't feel like I can offer any perspective in the midst of those conversations.
It would be an intrusion. So I stay silent.

I wish there was some way that I could ease even a micron of the pain there.
But all I can do is witness, and honor, silently.

May all Beings find peace.
May all Beings find release from pain and suffering.
May all Beings experience their essential radiance and the radiance of All That Is.


mrs mediocrity said...

as always, you have such a unique perspective, and i love it. perhaps it is because you have already traveled your own journey through pain, and come out on the other side, and that is why it now looks different to you? (not an assumption, truly a question).
It makes me sad that people feel shame because of a disease they have no control over. It makes me wonder if this is because society puts such a high value on appearance.
I love that you keep asking all the questions. Your silence is golden.

skye said...

Yes, Kelly, I think part of my perspective is that I have lived it (am living it), but I think more than that is my core belief that what we see happening is not the entirety of the experience. Also, I did not suffer as I see others suffering in the midst of my mother's or Colin's exit journey, nor after my son was killed, and that is truly because I am always looking for what is creating suffering, rather than reacting to the astoundingly powerful stimulus of suffering.
This is something that, as I said, our society and religions do not even hold forth as possibility, for the most part.
Hopefully, my small musings will encourage the possibility for that kind of questioning in others.

Sandra Bloom said...

Skye! I just finished reading your blog from the beginning. Thank you for mentioning the start of this current journey.
You are a beautiful writer. I love your references, your often funny asides. I think I understood most of your allusions to the other things in this world.
I am so privileged to know Tory, at least her work and her perspective on being here. Because of that and in spite of a very traditional WASP upbringing, I feel I have great understanding of things you write about in your blog. I can appreciate your curiousity, and your determination to have your input, based on considerable knowledge.
I hope to come much better acquainted. Perhaps at the benefit, I can find a place in your friends' schedule, attending for your well-being.
Again, thank you for your blog. It's amazing.

Linda Teddlie Minton said...

Hey Skye, thanks for the reboot on your blog, I found you again! Will be keeping up with you better from now on.
Lunch soon!