I feel that I am moving into a great inner (and probably outer) silence.
I am witnessing conversations that are happening in such volume, on so many different fronts, that while I understand them, and have compassion, I am struck dumb...
From within the cancer survivor/ still in the midst of the journey with cancer community, on a blog a few days ago the women who wrote the article made a statement "There are three emotions that every cancer patient experiences constantly: fear, anger and shame."
There was a barrage of dozens of comments, all (all!) agreeing with her and elaborating on the theme.
Thus began my being struck dumb.
I understand in the beginning, and for a good way through the journey fear would spontaneously arise; fear of dying, fear of pain and suffering, fear of disfiguration.
And anger seems to be the other side of the fear coin, in most human experiences.
Personally, when fear arises in me, I very quickly go to a "What's up with that?" place.
What, exactly, am I fearing and why?
Because this has been a choice & a practice that I have cultivated for decades, I am used to going to the edge of the cliff & peering over.
I dissect & hold up to the light every spooky story the mind can churn out, and in the end they are all dust.
Even more than that, what I have noticed is that when we stay in fear (or feed fear) it is because we don't actually believe what we say we believe...
If we actually believed in heavan or in reincarnation, what is there to fear? We change shape, basically, and then all is well.
But if we stay in deep fear then, plainly, the internalized belief seems to be "It's just me, here. *I've* got to figure this out and power my way through to surviving, otherwise...otherwise..."
*the heart beats ever faster & breaths grow rapid and shallow*
And, as I see it, because our society at large, including the major religions, have no construct for going deeply within, nor do we have tools to deconstruct these things.
We try to dismantle them cognitively, usually with limited success, as those feelings don't arise from the same place within that cognitive thought arises, or we ask whoever we direct prayer to to remove them. Which often helps, but I know many people who pray for a release of this or that, but don't participate in their own release, and the praying doesn;t seem to help all that much, though they pray with great regularity and sincerity.
So (and please do let me know if I am in the midst of a blind spot, here) we fear death because at the core of it we really believe we are *this*; so if *this* form dies, then "what happens to me?!"
We fear disfigurement because we feel that we must be and/or should be "normal" as me and my society define it.
And we fear pain...I don't really know about this one; it is such a tangle...
Some of that is bodily self preservation, but not at the heart of it, because the body only lives in present time. When there is no actual suffering (physically) yet, but I am suffering as I imagine my pain, or remember my pain, or the pain of another...
Personally, I would begin exploring so as to dismantle the belief(s).
But here are dozens, perhaps hundreds or thousands of people who don't know that this can be done, nor how to do it, and in their innocence and shared experiences, they support each other in a trifecta of Fear Anger Shame.
Shame is something, really, that is an inner response to something we have done, yes? My own activity.
Shame that we have one breast, or a face filled with burn scars, or a deformed spine and limbs, is staying in bondage to an idea that "I should be different." (because I am not acceptable in the state of one breastedness, or scarredness or crippledness...)
One of my teachers said that suffering at its core is the belief that "What is happening should not be happening."
How can the body heal in the midst of that inner state?
I saw another conversation taking place on a forum of those that had loved ones die of cancer.
I am in this club, also, as I took care of my fiance in 2007 as he went through chemo, radiation, surgery, metastesis and death.
The shared consensus there, that was reiterated like a mantra back and forth was "I hate cancer."
I understand. I do. It is a damn hard walk in many ways.
It is like having a hurricane destroy your home and then investing increasing amounts of energy in "I hate hurricanes.", instead of healing & releasing the loss the hurricane manifested.
Hurricanes just are. They always have been an aspect of weather patterns.
Cancer just is. It is increasing as the toxicity of the world increases, but cancer is a metabolic process that has been around for a long time.
So, ok, for a while after it's over, anger/fear that takes the form of hatred is understandable.
But empowering it by finding consensus will not set you free to find peace.
And feeding hatred in this particular case also seems to feed staying in the painful in between state of saying "They should not have had the experience they had."
But they had it. There it is.
And, personally, I see things from a spiritual perspective that recognizes what is happening here in 3-D Land is *so* not the entirety of what any Being is doing. And since I cannot speak to the greater design, I simply trust it.
These are my perspectives, and I know that not everyone resonates with them.
And I have such deep compassion for the pain I see and hear in both communities, but I don't feel like I can offer any perspective in the midst of those conversations.
It would be an intrusion. So I stay silent.
I wish there was some way that I could ease even a micron of the pain there.
But all I can do is witness, and honor, silently.
May all Beings find peace.
May all Beings find release from pain and suffering.
May all Beings experience their essential radiance and the radiance of All That Is.